“Being alone” versus “loneliness” are concepts I have struggled with my whole life.

Having had a difficult time ‘fitting in’ (whatever that means) at different times in my life, I have become quite familiar with spending time on my own. However, my understanding of ‘being alone’ has transformed throughout the years.

I’d like to share that journey with you…

When I was a very young child, due to my disability, I relied a lot on my family to get from place to place. They would take me where I needed to go in the car so I seldom spent time strolling the streets with no one to keep me company – I’m also blaming my terrible sense of direction on this! When I was alone, it was unfamiliar and made me feel uneasy. I suppose it was a degree of seperation anxiety.

As I began to make friends, I did gain some vital independence but was still surrounded by people for the most part and I didn’t mind that one bit. I was an extravert to an extent. I had my shy moments, but always felt better when I had company.

It was only really when I went to college and moved away from my family home, that I realized how much of ‘being an adult’ meant doing things by yourself and to be honest, I still wasn’t 100% convinced that this was a normal part of life.

You grow up watching these american TV shows about teens moving away to college and living in dorms with tons of friends that they hang out with all of the time and that just wasn’t my  college experience. I was lucky to have some great friends, but I had to quickly learn that everyone had their own lives to live, commitments that they had that did not include me – the horror!

I remember watching my mother drive off after bringing me to Cork and helping me settle in to my new place at university and thinking ‘What now?’.

College was great for me once I realised that it was ok to spend time alone. At first I struggled to fill the time – spending hours on my laptop watching t.v. shows, movies and playing computer games (It’s ok to still play The Sims at 20, right?)

My post-grad experience took me back home to Waterford, where , once again, I felt ‘safer’ surrounded by people I knew and was lucky enough to meet some amazing new faces that I ended up spending time with as we navigated our intense Marketing course together.

The major shift in my take on loneliness came about when I made the move to Dublin for work. It was the scariest adventure I’d ever undertaken. With my disability, it isn’t as easy for me as it is for others to just up sticks and move. It’s a long process with a lot of consideration and I knew this move might be tinged with occasional pangs of loneliness but I wanted to do it and three years later, I have never looked back!

Somewhere in that three year period, I learned to like my own company and better still, value it! It may be partially to do with the fact that full-time work is so fast paced that you need more down time to just recharge or maybe it’s getting older that has me enjoying spending time figuring out my own thoughts and feelings.

I still struggle with some activities – for instance, I still am very reluctant to sit in a cafe by myself at the age of 28. Maybe that’s weird or maybe some of you might relate but I know for a fact that I am looking forward to the day where I can feel brave enough to have full meal completely solo.

It’s a journey that has taken me a long time, but I am so delighted to say that I now look forward to my down time after work, where I get into my PJ’s, put something on the TV and don’t feel like I need to talk to anyone.

Let me know if you can relate to any of this… or if you think I’m a complete weirdo!